the drunken cyclist

It has been about a month since my last Friday Rant, otherwise known as “Wine Writing is Going to the Crapper”. Or something like that. I try to scour the interwebs on a regular basis for interesting articles about wine or the wine industry. More often than not, the articles I read are either boring, repetitive, or worse, just plain bad.

Before I go any further, I readily acknowledge that no one has appointed me a member of the “Wine Writing” police, nor do I pretend that my own writing is beyond reproach. But. Most (all?) of the articles worthy of a rant (or seven) were published on a national site, where, frankly, they should know better

The first article in my crosshairs today was published this past March in Southern Living. Before your eyes start rolling, I admit that I do not consider the outlet a bastion for wine writing, knowledge, or even competence. But. In my mind, if you publish an article about any subject, I think it is not too much to ask that it at least appears that you have some above rudimentary knowledge of the subject.

OK. We agree. Good.

So this Southern Living article was entitled: “Can Wine Freeze? What To Know Before You Toss A Bottle In The Freezer” and the author spent about 500 words when all that was really needed was one: “Yes.” I put wine in the freezer on a regular basis to chill it down quickly. The only caveat needed? Set a timer (30 minutes should do) so as not to forget that the bottle is in there, since it will freeze (after about three hours).

The next article, from about a year and a half ago, is an investigative gem from The Takeout: “Pizza Hut Tomato Wine: Does It Actually Taste Like Pizza Hut? We Found Out”.

You are probably like me and had no idea that Pizza Hut had a tomato wine in its arsenal. Heck, you might not even have realized that the ol’ Hut was still in business. I am not all that surprised, however, that someone made a wine from tomatoes (it is a fruit, after all), but selling it nationally? Wine has been made for thousands of years, there is likely a really good reason you have never had a tomato wine (hint: it isn’t good). Pizza Hut’s version is “made from ripe tomatoes and infused with basil, oregano, garlic, and toasted oak” and comes from a winery in Kansas.

While I have no evidence to support the following assertion, I am fairly convinced that the author of the article was invited (or worse, paid) to write the article by Pizza Hut since her “review” contained the following:

Does it actually taste like pizza, though? Well, yes and no. What this wine tastes like is tomato and some spices. In fact, I’d say it kind of tastes like a spiced up V8 juice drink with alcohol in it. But to answer the obvious question–Does it actually taste like pizza, though? Well, yes and no. What this wine tastes like is tomato and some spices. In fact, I’d say it kind of tastes like a spiced up V8 juice drink with alcohol in it. But to answer the obvious question — yes this limited-time wine would pair well with a personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut (as this author did), or with any pizza.

Not satisfied, for some stupid reason, I decided to dig a little further and found another article about Pizza Hut’s Tomato Wine, this one from The Alcohol Professor, who also received an invite to taste the wine (as he referenced in the article) and decided to taste it with his wife and his best friend (the wine, apparently, is only available in 375ml half-bottles at $25/bottle and you must buy two!!) who penned this magnificent review:

Perhaps my wife summed it up best: “Disgusting.” My bestie, when asked for a one-word review, cheated a little bit: “Neveragain.” But I’ll let it slide. Because there’s really no getting around it — this stuff is not only not good but actively terrible.

Amazingly (at least to me), the stuff is sold out (more power to them) and will be released again, soon. I will not be seeking any samples, just in case you were wondering.

That is all the ranting I am able to muster this week, but I will be back soon with more!